All Done

We are at the end of the journey my friends.  By this I mean I’m at the end of the book.  Between the reading Richard Templar’s The Rules of Parenting and writing this blog, I have learned so very much.  I know that parenting advice can be given/read, but it all depends on who you are as a parent and who your child is.  Diverse personalities deal with issues differently.  There are many rules in the book that I didn’t touch upon because they are dealt with by each parent based on what they believe and what actually works for their children. 

Some topics like spanking, single motherhood, and independence are either a bit too controversial to discuss over a blog or they don’t fall into the spectrum of my expertise.  I do spank my children, but only as a form of discipline and not as a cruel beating.  I know that some parents don’t agree with this and that some do.  Either way, I don’t feel this is the place to defend my decision and it’s not going to change my mind if I’m confronted with a different perspective.  I’m not a single mother and could never understand the complexities that come along with that status.  And my children are still a bit too young to have the kind of independence the book talks about.  Over all, I do consider this book a good buy.

The book did not change my parenting techniques so much as it may have given me a different perspective.  I did learn about a few different methods to try in a situation that I didn’t even consider before.  I don’t know if this applies to a new parenting technique, but it did make me realize how lucky I am.  I love my children.  They have changed my life completely and I don’t know how I ever lived without them.

To all of the parents out there, I suggest trying new methods.  They may not affect how you parent your child, but they will make you see them in a new light.

Sibling Rivalry

One thing that has always stayed with my brother is that he was always judged against me.  He was never good enough for my father because he was always being compared to how well I did.  If I was on the honor roll and my brother received a B in any class, then he was punished.  If I never acted up in school and my brother got into a fight, then he was punished.  I heard the words “well your sister is good, why aren’t you” so many times that it seemed normal for families to interact this way. 

But as I’m reading The Rules of Parenting by Richard Templar, there is a chapter that sticks out in my mind.  Rule 56 in this book says to never compare your children with each other.  It says that by doing that, your children are never going to have a good relationship.  As I reflect on my past, I wonder if this is actually true.  My brother and I have a good relationship…. Sort of.  We fight, we laugh, and we get along just fine—we’re siblings.  This is the same as when we were growing up.  However, did what my father say effect our relationship as siblings?  I don’t think so, but it did affect my brother.

My brother says that he hated being compared to me, but only because he wasn’t me.  I never treated my life as a competition and neither did he.  If my father judged him too harshly, my brother rebelled even more.  So it may not have caused an issue between the bond of brother and sister, but it did have a serious consequence towards my father and brother’s relationship.

As a result, I know from experience that I should never compare my two kids.  I don’t think I ever would have, but this book has just reaffirmed my decision against comparison.  As unique as we all are, I don’t think anyone can really be compared to anyone else.

Separate but Equal

Playing favorites with your children is always looked upon badly.  However, what some people fail to realize is that you bond more with the child that resembles you more.  At least this is what my parenting book states.  Rule 44 in Richard Templar’s The Rules of Parenting touches a bit on this subject.  Templar suggests that the child you least identify with may grow up feeling that you don’t love them as much as the other one.  He also goes on to state that no matter what half of that child’s genes are yours and as a parent you need to find that part of you in them to be able to bond with them more.

I personally understand what he’s saying here, but I think it’s a load of bull.  I love my children, and there are times where I don’t especially like them.  But I would never show one more love than the other.  I am bonded with them because I’m their mother.  I love them for who they are inside. 

My daughter is special to me because she was my first.  She has this girly way about her that you just can’t help but loving.  Plus, she thinks she’s an adult and tries to talk to me like she is me.  Most of the time this is hilarious and I just want to squeeze her and never let her go.  Other times I wonder where she gets the audacity (from me!) to speak to me that way.  Either way it’s entertaining to watch.

My son is my light.  He shows me a rebellious side of himself that I never possessed and admire so much.  He is going to be my only boy (I’m pregnant with another girl) and he has such an expressive face that I love just to watch him change from mood to mood.  When he knows that he is doing something wrong and he hears me call out to him to stop, he will slowly turn his head and glare at me.  Then this devilish smile overcomes his face and he does exactly what I told him not to do.  It’s a pain, but it’s so adorable.

And this last child will be special in her own way to me as well.  My point is that I love my children differently, not on separate levels.  There is no way to compare the two because they are two different people.  But at the same time my love for them is so overwhelming I think it consumes me sometimes.  I could never show one more love than the other. 

Now this may change in the future when we hit teenage years….. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Candy for Kiddos

As I am a student studying to be a teacher, I have learned that we are not to motivate our students with extrinsic rewards.  In layman’s terms, don’t give them something for doing what you want.  While I personally don’t agree with this knowledge, it does make me wonder about extending this topic towards parenting.  Are we supposed to use bribery with our children?

YES!  And I finally have a book that encourages this method.  Richard Templar’s The Rules of Parenting states that bribery isn’t bad as one of its rules.  Templar suggests that as long as the reward fits the request, and that this will lead to the kids eventually doing many free requests.  This is one rule that I don’t have to experiment, because I already implement the tactic in my parenting skills.  Some people ask if that will lead to spoiled children, or kids that just ask for something in return every time they do something they are supposed to.    My response to this critic is that no, my kids don’t expect something in return automatically for doing something right.  Occasionally I do get the request for some candy or being able to watch one of their shows on TV, but not at any specific time or when they do something right.  The majority of the time praise works wonders.

Will this change in the future?  Will my daughter ask for a new pair of shoes when she completes her homework?  I don’t know.  None of us know what the future holds or if what we are doing now will affect who our children become.  We just try what we think is right, what we think works, and hope for the best.  However, knowing my daughter and the little diva she already thinks she is, she will ask for new shoes all of the time.  But it will only be because she is in love with shoes and thinks she needs 50 pairs of them and not because she is a good girl.

Ungracefully Fashionable

The hardest part of being a parent is letting your children make mistakes.  I mean, that’s what we’re here for, right? To help our kids avoid the mistakes we’ve made.  But then I think about how I learned those hard lessons, and it was because I fell.  I made the mistake and moved on.  So I know I need to let my children fall every now and then.  However, that’s easier said than done.

Rule 21 in Richard Templar’s The Rules of Parenting is about letting kids make their own choices.  While this chapter deals more with teaching children to be independent and letting them make mistakes once they are in their early teenage years, there is also a part concerning the earlier years.  Templar states that something as simple as letting kids choose their own clothes to wear when they’re two will start a parent out on the road to letting their child be independent.  I thought about this uncomplicated choice, and decided that letting my 3 year old daughter choose her outfit for the day was the wise option.  I mean, what could go wrong with that?

Sparkly red ballet shoes, a plaid hat, brown capri pants, and a maroon sweater.  Those are the items that could make this experiment go wrong.  My daughter loves her clothes and she decided that wearing all of her favorite clothes at once would be the most fabulous thing in the world.  I laughed at her choices, but I let her keep them on.  We went to the store and to my mother’s house that day, and I had never seen my daughter so happy.  She pranced right up to her grandma and said “Look how beautiful I am!”  I have to admit that seeing her so proud of herself was worth every odd look from people passing by us.  From that day forward I have let my daughter choose her own outfits, except for the occasional special event.  And she has gotten much better about picking out clothes that match.  Now she just wants to wear dresses.

Bared

I recently had to read a text book on human sexuality.  For children, this text book suggests being open about human body parts and to not shy away from your children while naked.  Since this is also a chapter in Richard Kemplar’s The Rules of Parenting, I’ve decided to take up this subject in my blog.

Rule 80 in the Rules of Parenting book states that parents should adopt a healthy attitude about sex.  By this the author simply suggests that parents try to feel comfortable with talking about sex with their teenagers so as to keep the communication lines open and impress a responsible viewpoint on your children.  While it is true that I agree with this viewpoint, my husband has very strong objections to me being open about sex with our daughter when she comes to that age.  He believes that it will encourage her to go out there and try sex.  I happen to think that it will leave her with an informed decision to make for herself.  However, since that time is still at least 10 years away—hopefully—and this blog is about early childhood parenting, I am going to refer back to my human sexuality textbook.

While I don’t remember the exact book used during this class, I do clearly remember the chapter on educating children.  I remember it so well because I read it aloud to my husband.  The look of absolute disgust that crossed his face may give you an idea about his feelings towards the subject.  The book stated that in order to raise children that are comfortable with their own sexuality, parents shouldn’t shy away from being naked around them.  In no way was the book saying to go prancing around your kids in your birthday suit.  It simply suggested that instead of screaming and shockingly telling your kids to go away when they do catch you in the nude, that a parent should ignore the fact and get dressed as if nothing was amiss.

Now this leads to my personal experiences and opinions.  I tried the method of ignoring the nakedness issue and just getting dressed.  My kids were curious but never made a big deal about it.  On the other hand, my husband shrieks and tells my kids to go away so daddy can get dressed.  So with my kids being exposed to opposing methods I wonder how they will adjust.  I want them to be able to talk to me about sex when they get to that age.  And yes, I will take my daughter to get birth control when she asks me for it.  My husband will have to be ignorant of this fact because he would freak out and try to go after some imaginary boyfriend.  Do I want my children exposed to sexual shows and naked people?  No.  But I do want them to know that nothing is wrong with their body—it’s just how they were made.

Broken Paths

Earlier this year I said some of the most hateful words I’ve ever spoken to someone I cared about.  I told one of my cousins, a mother of two little boys, that she was a bad mother.  Hateful words and text messages just piled up after that was said comparing who was a horrible mother and why.  We stopped speaking after that and have only recently made up.

In order to understand the impact of those words a person has to 1) be a parent and 2) care about the opinion of the person saying those five words.  When someone you care about and trust tells you that you are a bad mother, a woman cringes inside.  You could be the best mother in the world, and once someone speaks those words you begin to question yourself.  You look at your past actions, words you’ve spoken to your child, and those moments when you lose your cool and yell at your kids.  Should I have not disciplined my child?  Was I too hard on them for something so small?  I didn’t mean to make them cry—how could I have done it differently?  All of these questions and more amass in your head and then the anger comes. 

Anger is such an ugly emotion.  It will make you do and say things that you know will hurt the other person, but you don’t care.  You want them to hurt as much as you were hurt.  I wanted my cousin to hurt.  So I said exactly what I knew would affect her the most—you’re a bad mother.  I still feel sick about the moment when those unspeakable words left my mouth.

The only thing left to say is I’m sorry.  While I know that doesn’t seem to cover the extent of my regret over what was said and that it will never make up for the hurt caused, it’s the only course left to me now.  Even though we have mended our relationship somewhat, I still notice the void that wasn’t there before.  There is no good way to apologize, but hopefully airing out the true feelings about what happened will move us in the right direction on this broken path.

What I didn't know then

One of my prominent childhood memories occurred one sunny afternoon while I was stuck inside the house.  My cousin was down from Ohio visiting for the summer, and for some reason that I can’t remember we were all grounded for the day.  My father, who reminded me of a drill sergeant in my younger days, felt the need to punish us for some slight done by adventurous kids.  Back then that meant no going outside; while this may seem insignificant to kids today, we were devastated.  However, I regress from my point.  As we were stared longingly out the window, we decided of the many different horrible names we could call my father (honestly, how big is the retinue of bad language for a 12 yr old?) and how different we were going to raise our kids when we were older.

I told my cousin then that I would never yell at my kids, would never spank them, and I would be their best friend.  She decided that she would feed them cheeseburgers all the time and would never punish her kids.  Looking back at these ridiculous ideals we held a “good” parent up to, I laugh at my younger, innocent self.  I don’t know how I expected to achieve these goals and still be thought of as a good parent.

Since I have grown up and had children of my own, I remember these childhood thoughts and shake my head.  While I don’t always yell at my kids, I do have the occasional moment when my anger overrules my better judgment and the scream escapes from my throat.  I do spank my children.  Spanking is a very controversial topic, and I will only say to each their own.  The issue of spanking a child is for each parent to decide on their own, and I will add the comment that spanking does not mean beating.  And lastly, I am not my children’s best friend nor do I long for that achievement anymore.  I want my children to know that they have the ability to come and talk to me no matter what the subject, and that I will not judge them.  However, I am not here to tell them what they want to hear and they will not always like what I have to say. 

Perhaps we were a bit harsh on my dad that day so many years ago.  I wish I was able to tell him that even though he wasn’t the perfect parent, he and my mom did a remarkable job raising me.

Boy vs. Girl

Today I was watching my 18 month old son play with his older sister.  Everything she would do, he would have to mimic her actions.  Although it was a jumbled attempt, it made me wonder about what my husband has been saying.  He tells me that we need to buy more boy toys to make him more masculine.  Being the new woman I am, and slightly feminist, I brush off what he says and inform him that no amount of boy or girl toys will make our son anything other than what he was born to be.  But his statement did make me wonder—do gender specific toys make a difference?

With all of the toys out there on the shelves, almost all of them are gender specific.  There are Barbie’s, play dresses, toy trucks, and mini work tools.  Unless a child is still considered an infant, there aren’t many toys that are made for both boys and girls.  And after a browse through the parenting book, The Rules of Parenting by Richard Templar, there really isn’t anything in there concerning this topic.  However, I did find an article, and countless comments, on Toronto parents who are raising a gender neutral child.  The article talks about how the parents want to avoid stereotyping and that even the grandparents don’t know the gender of the child.  Many people are saying that this is cruel and they should let the child know what gender it is.  I am completely for the idea behind what the parents are trying to accomplish.  Why is it so important that our children act according to what society has deemed appropriate behavior for that gender?  It shouldn’t matter as long as the child is happy.

So as I see my son pick up his sister’s crying baby doll and try to console it, I smile and think what a wonderful and compassionate person he is growing up to be.  I don’t care that he likes to sleep with this baby doll or if he tries to walk around in his sister’s play high-heels.  He smiles and laughs and is unconscious of the differences between boys and girls toys.  He is happy to be playing and I’m happy that he’s my son.

Running Away

Sometimes I just need a break.  And it has taken a parenting advice book to tell me it’s okay to feel that way.  Rule 7 in Richard Templar's The Rules to Parenting book states that “it’s normal to want to escape”.  I completely agree with this rule because half the time I want to run away myself.  Those who don't have kids are shocked to hear this statement from a parent.  They think “hey, you had the kids, didn’t you think about this before all that happened?”  I know because I used to think the same thing.  And then something small changed my mind—a screaming child.

 This little innocent, precious, beautiful girl I held in my hands turned into the girl from The Exorcist right in front of me.  Smelly things spewed from her mouth (not to mention what happened in her diaper!) and her cute little cooing sounds turned into a high pitched, piercing sound that compared to nails on a chalkboard.  There is nothing appealing about cleaning up this mess either.  Get Me Out Of Here! exploded in my mind.

Taking a little break at this point helps to keep you sane.  Five minutes later, after a cigarette (yes, I smoked—horrible me) and more than a few deep breaths, I felt much more capable of dealing with the situation.  Few non-parents realize that how you deal with one of those moments makes you a good parent or a bad one.  A bad parent doesn't know when to walk away.  How you deal with the monster your little angel becomes really shows you what you’re made of.  Sometimes you need to walk away in order to be able to come back.

A full vacation would be the most wonderful escape imaginable to me right now.  I haven’t been away from my children for more than a night since they were born.  It’s normal to want to get away;  to have an adult conversation, sleep in, and basically worry about yourself once in awhile.  Templar was awesome to put this chapter in his book.  It let me know that I’m not the only one that feels this way, and that it’s okay.  Truth of the matter is that once I’m away from my kids for only a few hours on this imaginary vacation I would be taking, I would be calling my mother and cousin asking them how my kids are doing and to let me talk to them again.

The Man Behind the Name

The author of the book I’m reading is Richard Templar.  While reading through his parenting book, I decided to look up some personal information on the author.  The only bit of information I could find on his background was found on RedAudio, a UK book selling website.  Templar states:

[I've had] over 60 books published on a wide range of subjects including business, astrology, alternative medicine, Chinese culture, sex and humour (not all in any one book though). Before being a writer - although that was what I always wanted to do - I did many jobs including being a casino general manger, business consultant, cave guide and stress management consultant (again never all at one time). I have been married twice, have six children, one granddaughter and I badly need a rest and a holiday.

 Basically, he has had numerous children and can provide the experience needed to write a rules book on good parenting.  But why is that the only information I could find on Templar actually having children?  A single website that incorporated his own personal quote on having children.  To me this seems suspicious.  The reason I decided to look into his personal background, despite all of the wonderful reviews his book received from other parents, is because his chapters are starting to seem a bit idyllic to me.  This sense will come across in the next few blogs I post.  If a person is truly a parent (and I mean the one that helps take care of the kids and isn't just a background figure), then why would they have such a perfect outlook on parenting?  It isn’t easy, and does it nowhere near resemble perfection.  And with all of these books, jobs, and tours- how does one make sure their children are raised properly?

I don’t mean to tear apart the personal life of such a successful writer, but I am just a bit curious as to the experience and time spent with his own children of a person I am taking parenting advice from.  Just a few thoughts for today….

Crazy Mom's and Clean Houses

So the book I’ve chosen to seek parenting advice from is called The Rules of Parenting by Richard Templar.  I chose this book because 1) it had numerous good reviews on it and 2) this is only one in a series about parenting.  The first chapter of the book emphasizes relaxation.  Templar gives examples of parents who don’t relax (which would be the category I fall under according to the examples given) and then suggests actions relaxed parents take instead.  The example given in this chapter that I seem to completely embody is the parent who is obsessed with cleaning up after their child and gets upset when the kid makes a mess.  Let me give you Templar’s suggestion before I describe in more detail my particular situation.  The remedy to an uptight parent is to relax.  Templar states that “really good parents expect their children to be noisy, messy”.

Now, my side of this story.  I have a personal vendetta against a messy house.  It absolutely drives me crazy to have toys strewn everywhere, shoes all over the living room, and kids with dirty hands running around and touching everything.  And according to Templar, this is something that a parent needs to work on and to let go.  So I tried this new method.  I let my children bring out all of their toys—and I left it alone.  My son decided to try on every pair of shoes he owned (and a few of his sister’s)—and I let them alone.  After playing outside in bubbles, my daughter decided to play with dirt (which basically caused a mud pie on her palms)—and I didn’t run to get a baby wipe right away.  Inside of my head I was ragging a war with myself to stop the compulsive cleaning behavior.  And which side one?  Neither!  Because at this point I am neither relaxed nor do I have a clean house.  I was on the verge of having a breakdown.  Yes, I know—they make medicine for this kind of behavior.  Consequently the relaxation method didn’t last very long.  The result of my first experiment was a crazy mommy and a messy house. 

While I admire those of us parents who can leave things to later, I am not one of them.  I would love to be, and I tried to be.  But it just didn’t work out for me.  I think some of us are just meant to be admired, while the rest of us can be neurotic and good parents at the same time.

  Image taken from

 http://buildingmynestofscotts.blogspot.com/2011/01/does-your-house-always-stay-clean-if-so.html

The Baby Bump Changes Your Mind

It’s hard to remember back to the times before I had kids, even if it wasn’t that long ago.  Four years ago I was a carefree young adult without any responsibilities--It was wonderful!  I was able to sleep until noon, go out at night and not be tired around midnight, and only had to worry about feeding myself. 

And when I was not a parent, I had some pretty strict ideas on what parents should and should not do.  I wanted my children to listen to me, to excel at school, and to be the kind of people you hear about from others that seem to have everything together.  I knew I wouldn’t allow the temper tantrums in public and I would never allow my child to tell me what they were going to do. 

Since I have become a parent, I’ve loosened my principles slightly.  I am not so strict in controlling every aspect of my children’s lives.  I still want them to make the right choices; however, now I give them more options and let them choose for themselves.  (The trick to this is to only give them choices between two different options that I would approve of either way.  This gives them the illusion of being independent while still doing something I want them to do.  Mommy 1- Kids 0) I still don’t allow temper tantrums, and if they choose a public arena to have one then I have no problem with leaving right then and there and dealing with the issue at home.  And of course I want them to do well in school; what good parent wouldn’t want this for their child?  But as a parent, I know that I have a major role in their performance and need to take the initiative to guide them in the right direction.

So not much has changed since I had kids.  That may reflect badly on me, but it’s not always the big issues you think about when you become a parent.  It’s the little moments that make you soften your attitude.  My daughter caught me raising my voice at someone the other day, and told me that “mommy, you can’t talk to people that way”.  I guess she does listen to what I tell her after all.  Maybe I should follow my own advice to her.

Why Blog About Parenting?

“It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  
As much as we watch to see what our

children do with their lives, they are watching us 
to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell

 my children to reach for the sun.  
All I can do is reach for it, myself.”  ~Joyce Maynard

I was never raised around younger kids.  My mother likes to tell me that the first time I held my daughter that I had a look of a deer caught in the headlights.  I had no idea how to take care of a baby at that time.  I still have no idea how I’m supposed to be raising my kids.  What I do have is a sense of what I want my children to become in life.  I have been told that I am too hard on my kids and that they are too young to expect good behavior out of-- I disagree.  If any of you have ever been next to that kid screaming his lungs out in the middle of the grocery store, then you disagree as well.  I look around at what some children are today and I tell myself that there is no way I would ever let my kid act like that.  For this reason I have always tended to stay away from parenting advice.  But as a parent, how do you know if the way you are raising them is correct?  To respect authority and not to fear it?  To be a happy and confident person?

Every person has one idea or another on how your children should be raised.  Should they be spanked or not? Should they go to private schools?  Should I feed them nothing but organic baby food?  And honestly, there are no right answers.  Every parent raises their children differently and different things work on children because no one of us is alike.  With this blog I want to take a look and implement a well known parenting book,  The Rules of Parenting: A Personal Code for Raising Happy, Confident Children by Richard Templar, and see if what the “experts” suggest will actually work, or if it all is an ideal to achieve that is not achievable in reality. 

I will take one of these rules and test them out in daily situations that occur between me and my kids.  Maybe it will work, or maybe it won’t.  And all of the details will be out there for everyone to see.  Either way, I want real parents to know what another parent is trying and what actually works for me.  I’m hoping that by the end of this experiment that I will have found some new and useful ways in dealing with my children that will benefit us all.